“When you meet the One, you will know ”, “It’s like a fairytale feeling”. 😍
These were the words of my married friends who shaped my beliefs on love in my early 20s. That very belief later led to the fall of my own fairytale relationship. The reason? What felt like a perfect, love struck relationship for the first three years… towards the fourth year, ended up feeling like we were no longer ‘in love’.
During this time of feeling like the ‘spark’ was gone, I became extremely intrigued by this seemingly mysterious concept of ‘love’. I wanted to know — was what I was feeling a sign that the relationship wasn’t meant to be? Or was this what long term relationships and marriages end up being like forever and we just have to accept that? This led me to spend months diving into what love is, how to know if it’s the right person, how to know when to keep going or give up, etc. I asked every married and long term couple I knew, read a ton of research and listened to several talks
...And here’s what I learnt…
Part 1 — What is Love?
- There’s 3 stages of love
Phase 1: Forming
This first stage of love is also known as “limerence” — a state of profound romantic infatuation and longing for someone (coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennoc in the 70s). Studies have shown this feeling is heightened as we have intense clashing emotions — feeling excited to see someone, but also nervous as you’re not sure how they feel about you yet. This leads people to feel like they have strong feelings for someone and often just wanting more of that person — more time, more affection, etc. In this phase, we are often blind to someone’s red flags.
Phase 2: Storming
This phase is when you start to get to know someone better and you suddenly notice the little things that irk you. Initially, you’re still feeling the love, so it doesn’t bother you as much and you often dismiss it. As time goes on, those little things that didn’t sit well with you start to become more noticeable. You also now start facing challenges together, having disagreements. This is what people often call “the honeymoon phase is over” and many don’t make it past this stage.
Phase 3: Norming
The last phase is when you have fully seen everything about your partner with clarity and still love their good side, as well as imperfections. When you truly love your partner in this phase, it becomes long lasting. According to Gottman, this third stage of a healthy relationship is building commitment and loyalty. A sense of fairness and satisfaction results from their ability to turn toward one another when working through conflict, instead of turning away from the relationship. This is the phase of love that feels most steady and predictable — the opposite of the limerence phase.
Note: there are a variety of names for these 3 stages out available, but the content and concept of each phase is always the same.
2. Love is not a fairytale feeling forever, it’s a commitment
This sounds obvious now, but many people (myself included) fell for the naive belief that it was this fairytale feeling forever. I interviewed over 40 couples in long term relationships or marriages with the question “What is love to you?” The response I got was that it is a conscious decision to continuously show up in the relationship — whether it is fighting for the relationship when times get tough, listening to needs, putting in effort.
3. Feelings of love follows action
This one surprised me. I used to think that love was a constant feeling… but i learnt that you will not always feel this at every moment of your relationship, rather it needs to be continuously cultivated. According to Gottman, successful marriages have shown that it’s important for couples to still do little acts of love daily — this could be a kiss on the cheek, a small hug, a ‘love you’ before your partner leaves. Often couples get so comfortable that all these things that were once an excitement becomes no longer a priority. Studies have shown that the lack of these little signs affects the emotional bond between both partners at a subconscious level.
My reflections
Understanding what the types of love and feelings formed are, immensely helped me to change my expectations of a relationship, better identify what I’m feeling towards someone and what real love feels like when you’re not always going to feel that initial giddying ‘in love’ phase.
Uncovering one life question at a time ❤️
💁🏻♀️ Su
Sources:
- https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-3-phases-of-love/
- https://www.southuniversity.edu/news-and-blogs/2016/08/the-psychology-behind-love-and-romance-70700
- https://www.oprah.com/relationships/what-real-love-is-like-couples-therapist-advice/all
Coming soon as part of this series:
Part 2 — What makes relationships and marriages work vs fail
Part 3 — Learning to let go and let new love in again
